I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
