i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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