Swine flu. Run for my life!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Dicks are not precious.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
