hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
how does that bad decision feel?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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