so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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