is your mom at the bar?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
