4 words: hood of his car
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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