I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
