the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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