He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
