I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
