The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
