I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
