I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
