How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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