call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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