Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
