Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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