god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
