The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I met the friendliest cop last night
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
