She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
