i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
