my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
