Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
well I can't set my house on fire every night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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