I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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