the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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