i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I got inside last night via doggy door
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
