that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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