I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
