Dude my mom stole all your condoms
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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