I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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