You're a womanizer and a bitch.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
