she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
