There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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