paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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