I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
