Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
