dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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