Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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