ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
