Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
