I wish my penis had an off switch
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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