Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
