I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
