I cannot find my penis.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
