just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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