If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
