So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
