let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
