I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
