I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
